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May. 12th, 2011

Okay, I need to start writing again.

That is all.

Writer's Block: Seeing stars

Which character from any film, television show, or book would you most like to take on a date and why?

Honestly, when I was younger, I would have loved to hang out with Holden Caulfield. I felt like he was so lost and so confused and I really related to that. As I got older, I wanted to spend time with Fox Mulder... The man was brilliant and sexy.

Now, I'm not 100% sure there is anyone fictional I would want to date... Hmm... Maybe a beer and a Chicago style pizza with the Blues Brothers?? Cause really, why not?

Or maybe Mr Darcy. As long as he looks like Colin Firth. I could listen to that voice all day long...
Sometimes, I hate that really there is nothing I can do about the way I feel. I have a this horrible chemical predisposition to depression... And none of the meds I've tried have ever helped. I am so tired of feeling hopeless and helpless and just out of control.

Some days, it is all I can do to not drive into oncoming traffic.

I feel like I've driven all of my friends away.

Writer's Block: I'm sorry

If you only had one day left to live, and you had the chance to tell one person from your past "I love you," who would it be? How about "I'm sorry"?

I think I'd tell Allison sorry for not letting her drive the cherry red Mustang in Tulsa. I should have let her experience that!
I was just reading part of BLP and I came to a shocking realization... I'm a really shitty writer. In a lot of ways, I held onto the fact that even if I'm not a likable or nice person... Even if I have nothing to recommend me... Even if I am as boring and despicable as I've always known myself to be. At least, I was a good writer. I could tell a mean story.

But today, I realized I am just as horrible and overwrought as Stephenie Meyer. Those secrets about me... were right. I can't write worth shit.

...i am broken...

Broken by Elvis Costello

If I am frightened then I can hide it
If I am crying, I'll call it laughter
If I am haunted, I'll call it my imaginary friend
If I am bleeding, I'll call it my wine

But if you leave me then I am broken
And if I'm broken then only death remains

If I am drifting, then I can fight it
If I am sinking, no-one will know it
If I am blinded I'll have my voices still to guide me
If they yet fled away I'd bless the silence

But if you leave me then I am broken
And if I'm broken then only death remains

And crazy is the forecast all week

Just cause that line so describes my life.

The Forecast by Jason Mraz

Well I heard that it might be raining bed sheets and lover's words
Let's throw out the hotel comforter and hang the 'do not disturb'
Sign me up for the storm
I'll wear my suit for the shower
Cause I'll have you to keep me warm in the coldest hour

And when the darkness falls under your hair, there I'll be
And crazy is the forecast all week

Well every kiss, every hug is so light on the touch, delicate like a snowflake
Well I can taste, I can taste, I can taste, I can taste you all over my face
And everyone might find me foolish to not be counting on the sun
But your mouth is my umbrella now
And I'm holding your tongue

And if the rain should fall for sure
With you I'll be
And crazy is the forecast all week

There's a good chance in hell
Like cats and dogs we'll be flying
And I'm no weatherman
But you are lightning, striking

Here comes the sun
And the rain
All at once
How it sing

In the midst of the morning pull up a blanket of a cloud
And await for the warning of another come down
Because the water is healthy for the roses in your cheeks
My well holds plenty for penny wishin' in your deep end
And when the lights go out, no doubt, with you I'll be

And crazy is the forecast all week

And if the rains should fall for sure with you I'll be
Because crazy is the forecast all week long
Crazy is the forecast
The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed.
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Strike out the books you have no intention of ever reading, or were forced to read at school and hated.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible <-- by read what do they mean? I've read large chunks and I know the story, but read it cover to cover? Not really.
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare <-- Okay, who has read ALL of it? But I do own the Riverside Shakespeare!
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger < Currently reading this!
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Writer's Block: Proven by Science

Do you believe everything has a scientific explanation?

Absolutely not... There are mysteries and miracles. That is what faith is all about.

Something that must be said...

This is a response to a comment from Michelle... Who is a wonderful and sweet person. And I hate that I'm disappointing you or anyone. But let's be real. I am most likely never going to finish The Cleo Trilogy.

The sad thing is that I know how the story ends. I even have a chapter towards the end of "Best Laid Plans" written. But I just have NO Hanson love at all anymore. And I can't write this deep love story without some love.

Hopefully, seeing Taylor in Tinted Windows in September can help me find the love again, but to be completely real... I don't even really like their music anymore.

I feel like Hanson <-- Especially Isaac and Zac, have gotten REALLY lazy and really complacent. They have allowed their fans to be and become total asshats to each other. They have made the same album twice in a row. And have gotten more than a little bit predictable. They are not inspired or inspiring. Their music has become insipid and repetitive. In fact, their last 2 albums were so over produced that any real emotion had been just sucked right out of the songs. There were a few moments of brilliance on Underneath, but truthfully, The Walk did not have one song that made me want to listen to it over and over... And if Zac writes the same song one more time... I had a glimmer hope when I heard the song "Watershed" but that song appears to be a brilliant aberration.

And to be honest, their political views are regrettable.

I loved them for what they gave us as fans. But I no longer love them, they have become a band that is very forgettable.

And that is sad.

90% of the time, I skip over their songs on my iPod. They do not touch me anymore.

X-Posted to in_xanadu
Nobody Girl by Ryan Adams

Well, the night makes moves
And it shatters like broken glass
Better play it cool... better let it pass
Have you been screening your smokes?
And whispers in an all night bar
Better off as the fool
Than the owner of that kind of heart

They don't know you anyway
They don't know you and they don't watch you walk away
Just a nobody girl
With a radar to the scene
When the emptiness finds you
You find all the numbers you need
Say you follow your heart
Well, honey you're just being lost
Say you follow your gut
Well, how much would it cost?

They don't know you anyway
They don't know you
And they don't watch you walk away

You're nobody, girl
You're nobody, girl

You're a nobody, girl

The night plays games
And the people they come and go
Well, they trade in their pieces
For a late-night ride on your rodeo
If your horses could talk,
I wonder if they would complain
I know you're rested and ready
They've been going nowhere for days

They don't know you anyway
They don't know you,
They don't even mind the weight

Nobody, girl
You're nobody, girl
Nobody, girl
The Fly - U2

(Oh, baby child)

It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky
It's no secret that our world is in darkness tonight
They say the sun is sometimes eclipsed by a moon
You know I don't see you when she walks in the room

It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help
It's no secret that a liar won't believe anyone else
They say a secret is something you tell one other person
So I'm telling you...child

Low Voice Gospel Voice

A man will beg Love...we shine like a
A man will crawl burning star
On the sheer face of love We're falling from
Like a fly on a wall the sky...tonight
It's no secret at all

It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest
It's no secret ambition bites the nails of success
Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief
All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief

Oh love...

A man will rise Love...we shine like a
A man will fall burning star
From the sheer face of love We're falling from
Like a fly from a wall the sky...tonight
It's no secret at all

(Achtung Baby)

(Love...we shine like a burning star)
(We're falling from the sky...tonight)

A man will rise Love...we shine like a
A man will fall burning star
From the sheer face of love We're falling from
Like a fly from a wall the sky...tonight
It's no secret at all

It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky
The universe exploded 'cause of one man's lie
Look, I gotta go, yeah I'm running outta change
There's a lot of things, if I could I'd rearrange


...seriously, what is wrong with me? I'm such an incompetent twit that it all just sucks bad. I am totally loyal, don't ever skip out on things, never call in sick, just come in and do my job -- and do it well. And yet, I just suck at everything.

This really hurts my feelings.
Has bitterness ever sounded so simply scrumptious? I think not!!

Bitter Heart by Zee Avi

Sun rays come down as seen when they hit the ground,
Children spinning around till they fall down down down.
I wait for you: it's been two hours now,
You're still somewhere in town,
Your dinners getting cold.
I rest my case you are always this late,
And you know how much I hate waiting around 'round 'round,
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside,
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is gettin' just a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine.
And then you come and tell me the same reason as you did yesterday,
So tell me whats her name.
Doo doo da dum, doo doo da dum, doo doo doo doo doo doo da da dum dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum, da da da da dum.
Bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside
Bitter heart, bitter heart shadows will help you try to hide,
Bitter heart, my bitter heart is just getting a little fragile,
Bitter heart, bitter heart of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine, of mine.

Another song from the vault....

Morrissey at his whinging, moaning best....

How Soon is Now : The Smiths

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Another iPod inspiration!!

Precious by The Jam

Your precious love - that means so much
will it ever stop or will I just lose touch
What I want to say - but my words just fail
Is that I need it so I can't help myself
Like a hungry child - I just help myself
And when I'm all full up - I go out to play

But I don't mean to bleed you dry
Or take you over for the rest of your life
It's just that I need something solid in mine

Lonely as the moors on a winter's morning
Quiet as the sea on a cool calm night
In your tranquil shadow - I try and follow

I hear your distant shoe clicks
To the midnight beat -
I feel trapped in sorrow
In this imagery
But that's how I am and why I need you so

Once again, tredding in Catherine's domain

Heard this on my iPod just now and had to post these lyrics. They are amazing...

A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
and Based on your body language,
and shotty cursive I've been reading
You're style is quite selective,
though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you are biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy,
Depending on how you take these
Words, I'm paraphrasing, this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
kind and courteous is the life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, here we are
Here we are [x7]
We're still here
what a beautiful mess this is
it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.

and through timeless words and priceless pictures
we'll fly like birds not of this earth
and tides they turn and hearts disfigure
but that's no concern when we're wounded together
and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
but it's nice today
Oh, the wait was so worth it.

Not sure if this is anything....

Scarlet’s fist memory burned bright in her memory, garish and frightening years later. In fact, it was so vivid she wanted to believe it was made up. And most of the time she could pretend it that it had never happened except for the physical evidence in the form of a photograph.

Her mother had cheerfully taken her hand and set off for the beach. They skipped along the dirty streets, her mother pointing out the wonders of a brilliant red bird setting on a wire, the sleeping black cat curled in on itself on the neighbors front porch, the clouds twisting and turning into shapes that begged to be named.

Scarlet remembered that on this afternoon, there were more street vendors than usual lining the boardwalk of Venice Beach. Her mothers face had filled with the delight of discovery. She was entranced by the band of gypsies dancing and juggling in circles around her and Scarlet. They joyfully watched as the gymnasts performed flips and twists, balancing precariously on each other’s shoulders.

But, her mother being who she was, she was drawn to the old woman sitting at the table with the palm painted on the front of it.

Scarlet could close her eyes and see the dust floating on the air, the texture of the layers of fabric falling around the woman’s ample figure, the rivers of color settling into the cracks in her skin. The sense memory of the strange combination of roses, tobacco and something sharper, hard assaulted her even as an adult. She could taste the ringing fear at the back of her throat, hard as stone and bitter as gall. And yet, it was the sound of her little girl voice filled with the gravel of a lifetime of smoking that never left her.

Her mother had sat willingly and had splayed her hand out in front of her hoping to hear that her life was perfect and would be long and prosperous. But the old woman only had eyes for Scarlet.

She remembered shying away from the greedy reaching hands that pulled a little too hard on her ringlets. The gypsy woman grabbing her chin and forcing Scarlet to look at her, “this one has a special girt.” She said in her heavily accented voice. “But she will only find it through tragedy.”

“What does that mean?” My mother asked a note of panic in her voice.

“It means,” the woman said squatting in front of Scarlet, the voluminous skirts in red, green, gold and blue fanning out around her as if there were layers of crinoline beneath it. Her voice grace, the accent gone. “What that means, is that her psyche is as delicate as a china doll. Once she is broken, she can never be put back together.”

Scarlet also remembered the fear in her mothers eyes as they walked home from the beach. Her beautiful, shining, hippie of a mother was truly scared by the old gypsy woman selling fortunes on the beach. Her mother was usually breezy and flakey, a true joy to be with. To her mother, the world was something pure and wonderful. She met each moment cheerfully and happily. But every once in awhile, Scarlet would catch her mother watching her, the same fear shining in her blue eyes.

Apr. 27th, 2009

I'm just really depressed today.

I'm scared that I'm as big a loser as I was accused of being the other day. I'm just trying so hard to be a good person and falling so short.

I'm tired and have a headache and just want to sleep.
I know that this is generally Catherine's domain, but I've heart this song a ton lately and I love it like no other.

Grapevine Fires by Death Cab for Cutie

When the wind picked up
And the fire spread
And the people, strangers left for dead.
And the northern sky, like the end of day,
The end of days.

A wake up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom.
To warn us it's only a matter of time.
Before we all burn

We bought some wine and some papercups
Near your daughter's school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill
On a hill.

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
And she laughed and danced through the field of graves
There I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright,
Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright.

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flame.
But I couldn't think of anywhere I would have rather been
To watch it all burn away.
To burn away.

The firemen worked in double shifts,
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time.
Seriously, the world is just wacky...
My life has been really crazy and terrible lately. I just want it all to stop. The thing is it won't for a while. I am a total victim of "the Bush recession." My house is in danger, I got laid off... It's all hitting me so hard right now.

I hate feeling this alone. I hate feeling this isolated. I hate feeling like such an enormous loser.

I just don't know what's going to happen.

A plea!

I am broke... Mostly because I don't have a job. Yes, the economy is hitting me hard. So, I am just... broke. I am so broken that I can't afford the new U2 album -- which is killing me because they are my favorite band. And apparently, this album is as good as Achtung, Baby which is my all time favorite album. So, if any of my lovelies have it and are willing to send it to me, I'd be most grateful!

Songs, I love....

I've been listening to iTunes on shuffle for the last 4 hours and a couple song I not just love, but adore have come on. And for some insane reason, I feel compelled to share them!

This song came out when I was in junior high and it just leapt up and grabbed me by the throat. This song comes from my very mod, very punk era. If you'd like me to upload it, let me know...

A Town Called Malice by The JamCollapse )

You know...

...sometimes life sucks beyond the telling. And yet, most of the time, it doesn't.

I am SO sick right now that I'm having a hard time remembering that.

Everything about my life basically sucks right now and yet, I know it can't last forever. Still, I'm teetering on an edge that is so uncertain. And while I am definitely prone to hyperbole, this truly is a life or death razor's edge. There are things that are going on that are beyond my control in many ways and yet... These things control me 100%. All of this is so desperate and life and death and just so ridiculously overdramatic. In the last couple of months, I've uttered thing that I would have scoffed at anyone else if I'd heard them say them... And I meant them. So, maybe the others meant it too. Maybe I should stop rolling my eyes and have some compassion.

I've come to some stunning realizations recently.

I am a hypocrite like no other.

I've become someone I never thought I'd be.